From Bikes To Trains To Video Games

Not all "toy" stores are created equal.

After a total bust at the Goodwill we decided to check out the local adult novelty shop, one of three in a 10 block quadrant. We had been to the other two rather briefly during a Halloweeen scavenger hunt. One definitely catered to the older seedy predominately male group and the other was cleaner, more well-lit and couple-friendly. Since we were near the third and unexplored store, we decided to check it out. Of course since it is the day before Valentine's day, the parking lot was crowded, luckily the store was not.

This place was stuck in the 70's or something. It was very dark and plotted out in some sort of weird maze of videos you had to go through to get to the "novelties". I'm not easily grossed out and usually think it is fun to poke around in such a place, but this was a bit creepy. Who knows what kind of gross guy could be around the corner? There was this rack of "costumes" which looked like they had already been used in some low grade porn films and tons of very cheap toys I wouldn't even want to touch the packages.

Even though they appeared to have way more toys and movies than Grand Opening, the quantity was not winning over the quality. It wasn't organized very well at all, nothing was open to play with, and the staff was all hiding behind some huge fortress of lubes and oils. I guess since I have gone to a place that is open about sex and fun and is very clean and well organized and the staff is friendly and helpful and you don't feel like a total perv walking around and touching things, any other place that isn't like that disappoints me and grosses me out since I know it could be better. I'm so glad Kim opened an L.A. store to tide a gal over before she can get a road trip to G.V. going.

I'm not Ms. Sex Toy 2005 or anything, just every time I have an extra hundred bucks or so laying around I get a "to vibe or not to vibe" conflict going.

Elbow-Elbow-Wrist-Wrist, Or Is It The Other Way Around

The only mail better than the all of the pre-approved credit cards and "you may have won $10, 000, 000" is the letter that invites you to participate in a pageant.

The director of the Pasadena Pageant wrote to tell me that I am eligible to participate and that someone who thinks I would enjoy modeling referred me. Yes, I would enjoy modeling, nevermind that I am decidedly too short, unthin and old to start a modeling career. I read the rest of the letter, wondering who thought it would be funny to give my name out for something like this and thinking it is something I would probably do just for fun and to see how soon I get cut. I keep reading "Judging is based on personality, casual wear and formal wear modeling. There is no bathing suit or talent competition involved in this year's pageant" -SOLD! Where do I sign up?

Myself and the other candidates are invited to meet the director that same weekend in Pasadena. There are directions, an address and a number to call if I have questions. Bring a photo, writing materials, and dress as if you were going to an interview. Feel free to bring anyone you think would be interested, as long as she is between the ages of 10-23.
So this Patty Neidert chick waited till the end of her form letter to break my short, chubby and soon to be wrinkly, heart by telling me I am not really eligible at all. I could have been a contender.

A Spence of One's Own

I feel like a craigslist ad but there has to be a way to find an older, intelligent, decent looking man to span time with, it can't just be something that happens on film. So I'll take one of those minus the wife and ill child and I'll live happily ever after. The End.

p.s. This is by no means the slightest attempt to liken myself to Ms. Hepburn, because that's just blasphemy.